October 1, 2009

More from the Diaries of an Old Hospital Janitor:

Just before I retired this idiot cross-dresser comes into the ER.
He had Duck Taped his testicles and penis up so he looked like a woman. In addition, he glued his ugly wig to his head.
The entire ER staff was laughing their asses off at this moron while an intern doctor in the ER tried to get the duck tape off his private area.
The guy kept saying – 'Doctor, you're hurting my things, you're hurting my things!'

September 24, 2009

The Diaries of an Old Hospital Janitor:

Man versus the Coral Snake -
A man was brought into the ER with three snake bites. One on his finger, one on his thumb, and one on his hand. These were all caused by him picking up a snake in the woods. Coral Snakes are venomous and one bite could kill you. He was bitten three times and didn't die. When asked why he picked up the snake, he told the doctor he thought it would make a good pet and planned on put it in an aquarium in his garage.

August 4, 2009

The Chronicles of the Old Hospital Janitor:

Several people are brought into the ER room with stabbings and broken bones, all part of gang violence.
After the doctors finish the last two are park in the hallway orderlies awaiting transfer to the prison hospital ward. One, who has a broken collar bone, jumps up, grabs a pen from the nurses station and stabs the other in the eye who is laying on a gurney almost totally incapacitated. When hospital security rushes over the man attempts to stab them with a pen, They fall to the floor struggling until the gang-banger can be subdued. One orderly was fired the other transferred. All the gang-bangers were in the U.S. illegally and the taxpayer paid the bill for it all.
I thought I'd add this story for all those who think President Obama's Healthcare Plan will work!

April 27, 2009

The Diaries of an Old Hospital Janitor:

Couple of guys were out cutting wood when one cut himself with an axe.
The first guy had some duck tape so he tape the gash and they went home, that's right home, not the hospital.
So when they get home, about an hour later, the guy takes the duck tape off and the blood is rushing out like a volcano.
So the wife is panicking and calls the ambulance.
They rush the guy to the hospital and he needs two units of blood, 14 stitches, and lots of antibiotics.
The moral of this story is: The duck tape was a good idea but get to a hospital immediately, don't go home and remove the tape or bandage.

April 1, 2009

Another excerpt from the Diaries of an Old Hospital Janitor:

A so-called experienced fisherman was fly casting and got his line stuck in a tree.
Yep, he yank on it and it came out with a vengeance and stuck the guy in his neck.
He drove himself to the hospital and had the fish hook removed.
We all got a really good laugh out of this one.

March 24, 2009

Just Some More Chronicles from the Old Hospital Janitor

Soda Wars
A bunch of college kids where admitted to the ER.
One had plastic bottle fragments in his leg. When asked what happened by the doctor, the student said they were shaking 2 Liter soda bottles with the caps still on and then releasing them to shoot soda at one another.
Apparently one of the bottles exploded from the side and put a piece of plastic in the kids leg. The second boy had injured his eye when one student popped the bottle and the soda flew directly into his eye causing burning.
Neither had any serious injuries but stupid doesn't seem to go away even in college, in fact it seems to live and breathe like it was born there.

March 16, 2009

Just some more stuff from the Old Hospital Janitor:

This guy was brought into the ER with severe injuries.
He apparently went out into a wooded area alone with his pickup truck and chain saw to cut some firewood.
He wasn't experienced about woodcutting.
He cut part of the tree which fell on his dumbass and he laid there for several hours unable to move.
By pure luck a hunter wondered upon him, cut him lose and got the idiot to a hospital.
Because he laid there for so long he ended up losing three of his toes.
The doctors told him another hour and it would have been his leg he lost.
He also had 4 cracked ribs and a broken arm.

Sorry I haven't posted in while. Our children have us a two week all expense paid vacation to Hawaii.

February 20, 2009

More Diaries of the Old Hospital Janitor:

Reading about the recent incident of the idiots stranded on the breaking ice, reminded me of another stupid person.
This guy was brought into the ER with severe frostbite.
Apparently he wanted to show his buddies that he could jump into Lake Michigan naked.
Yes he was drunk.
He lost two fingers and 3 toes, so I guess he showed them!

February 6, 2009

Chronicles of an Old Hospital Janitor:

They brought this zookeeper attendant into the ER.
He was new on the job and loved animals.
He put his hand in the Chimpanzee cage and one of the females grab his arm and yank it so hard it pulled his shoulder blade out of socket.
Ouch !!!

February 3, 2009

Some More Diaries from the Old Hospital Janitor:

This happened my last year at work -
One day they brought this guy into the ER, he had been duct taped to a lamp post near the park.
Normally this wouldn't have mattered but it was winter, about 30 degrees outside, now that's not cold for Chicago, but it's cold for this incident.
The cold weather reacted to the duct tape and when removed took off quite a bit of the guy's skin – ouch.
The police were told by the idiots that did it they got the idea from a TV Show called Two and Half Men.

January 28, 2009

More Chronicles from the Old Hospital Janitor:

Exotic Pets-
A man was brought in to the ER with a severe bite on his hand. Apparently he had a pet python snake and while attempting to drop in a live mouse to feed the snake it bit him on the hand and wouldn't let go. His son, thinking fast, hit the snake with a hammer and killed it.
Moral of story leave the snakes in the jungle where they belong.

January 26, 2009

Some more from the Old Janitor's Diaries:

Sometime back a mother brings in her teenage daughter who has been complaining about constant headaches.
The doctor begins to query the girl on her routine.
After about 30 minutes it becomes obvious that the headaches are caused by her having sex with her boyfriend in his subcompact car. She gets on top of his penis and as things get more intense he his forcing her to ride it harder and harder causing her to bang her head on the underside roof of the car.
Did I mention the car was a subcompact?
Oh, and did I mention the girl was a blond teenage cheerleader?

January 21, 2009

Chronicles of a Janitor at a Chicago Hospital:

The Rubber-band
This guy was admitted to the ER complaining about his penis was swollen. When the doctor examine the man, his penis was all swollen, turning purple, and the guy was in severe pain. So they gave him a morphine shot to calm him down. When questioned by the physician, as in did you do anything out of the ordinary, can you tell us what caused it? The man said he put a rubber-band on his penis to make it stay erect longer and get bigger. Apparently the man never removed the rubber-band and his penis was so swollen the doctor couldn't even find the rubber band which was near his testicles, which were now starting to swell and change color as well. The man told the doctor the rubber-band had been on for about 2 days.

January 17, 2009

My Diaries Working at a Chicago Hospital:

The Foot Injury
This is one of best stories the nurses ever told me.
A man is standing near a car waving goodbye to his buddy, as the first guy drove off he ran over the second guy's foot. The injured man yelled out, the driver stopped, and instead of getting out to help his friend, backed up, and ran over his other foot.
When they brought the injured man into the ER he was cursing up a storm, so they had to sedate him.
The man driving the car was following the injured man crying and moaning like a lost puppy constantly saying he was sorry.
The police came to question the man driving the car. He told police he tried to kill his friend so they arrested him and drug him away in handcuffs.
Moral of this story: Never tell a police officer you tried to kill someone.

January 16, 2009

More Chronicles from a Chicago Hospital:

Some years back they brought two college students into the ER with burns. One had a burn on his hand. The other idiot had burns all around his rectum and up his backside. Apparently they were at a party drinking beer and the one guy was letting beer farts. So another suggested he light them on fire. So they went out side and while the one guy farted the other set it on fire with a lighter.
I am damn glad they didn't try this in the hospital, although it would be funny to watch.
The Old Janitor

January 15, 2009

Diaries from a Chicago Hospital:

Ball Crunchier
This guy was admitted to the hospital emergency room after having his cock and balls slammed with a schoolbag. These two so-called good preppy high school students were getting it on when the boy had to cum, pulled out and got it all over the girl’s school uniform. She got mad as hell. He started laughing, so she slammed his balls with her schoolbag.
The Old Janitor.

January 13, 2009

More Chronicles of my work in a big Chicago Hospital:

Black Thing
This Blackman was admitted to the ER with a broken jaw and swollen testicles. When asked what happened, he replied, “I told my fat wife to get her big ass up off the couch and make me some diner or I’d bitch slap her. The next thing I knew she got up, punch me in the face, and kicked me in the balls.”
The moral of this story according to a black nurse in the ER, is never call your wife a fat bitch and never under estimate how hard a ghetto black woman can punch or kick.
The Old Janitor.

January 8, 2009

More of my Diaries working in a big Chicago Hospital:

The Stirrer
I was working the night shift some years back at the hospital when they brought this guy in with a plastic cocktail stirrer stuck up his penis. He wanted to stay erect longer, and he did. They had to perform surgery to take the damn thing out. One of the nurses told me you could here this guy screaming like there was no tomorrow.
The Old Janitor.

January 5, 2009

My Chronicles while working in a big Chicago Hospital:

These college kids were playing around with some roman candles while drinking beer. One guy farted and the gas ignited which caught this girls blouse on fire. No one was seriously hurt, but they all got admitted to the hospital for minor cuts and burns. The girl was arrested for chasing the boys with a meat clever, which she apparently kept in her car for protection.
The Old Janitor.

January 2, 2009

Diaries of the Hospital ER:

Ripped Off
The year before I retired this gal came into the ER and her blouse was soaked in blood. Everyone thought she had been stabbed, but comes to find out her new boyfriend got too rough during sex and accidentally ripped off one of her nipple rings.
That Must Smart!
The Old Janitor.

January 1, 2009

Call Hospital Security:

One day I was working the day shift at the hospital and the alarm went off for security to the Morgue. The dead are kept in the basement until the funeral home or city coroner’s office picks them up. Apparently, some pervert gay blade asshole went into the morgue, found a recent dead guy with an erection, and shoved the dead man's hard penis up his ass by sitting on it. The technician found the guy riding this dead man’s cock and called for security.
Note: I was informed that men will often die and a hard-on appears.
The Old Janitor.